I was just sitting here looking back through my blogs...and it’s sad, it’s honestly sad. While looking at them a good friend pointed something out to me.  They said that even though I look good on the outside (on my myspace page) w/ the pictures, videos, and other stuff I put up about God on Myspace, that does not hide what I do and what I really am.(and that it’s making people believe it is ok to sin and go to heaven) I know this was a word from God through my friend.

If anyone is confused by what I’m saying...well being addicted to pornography (for those of you who didn’t know I was [5yrs])...is completely wrong and will send you to hell!!! Got that? What I am doing now is sin and that sin is keeping me from God. I am not giving God my 100% and if I don’t give him 100% then it’s the same as giving him nothing (0%). I will go to hell if this sin is not removed from my life, by my actions I will cause it. Don’t think you can sin and be ok. You guys got that? You can not have sin in your life and think everything is going to be ok. The Devil is blinding people to the truth, he’s very good at it, he’s had a lot of practice. Sin tears us up and changes us till soon we don’t know how we’ve become what we are. Sin is so evil, we aren’t evil, yet we are susceptible to become sinners quite easily.

God does not accept sin! God sent JESUS to die for this very thing. So we wouldn’t have to be bound by this garbage....GARBAGE!!

It’s time to put all this whining, moaning and groaning...to action. I have to say shut-up Josh your gonna start reading the Word, you don’t need to look at that fake GARBAGE. You need God, not this.

Please keep me in your prayers,
Buck.

PS~Thanks again "friend"

I guess I’ll try to cut this down to size considering everyone like my small blogs. Life is sending me through hurdles like crazy. Idk I guess I was always used to seeing my friends everyday and feeling welcome and loved and now it’s just different. I do see em but not as often and I have to meet new people (which isn’t bad) but it’s just weird I guess.

It’s not really even that, that has me down...it’s just a combination of things I guess. I mean the medicine I’m ..s my heart rate but it makes me kinda worn out a lot easier. So in turn I don’t want to do anything and nothing gets done then I get aggravated. My motivation is completely gone. Sleeping doesn’t help, talking to people doesn’t help...

I wish I could write a happy blog for once, but I’m not really ever super happy. I’m not saying that’s what life is all about cause of course you aren’t going to be happy 24/7, but just once in a while I would like someone to want me to be around for the sheer enjoyment of me, and all of me. I guess that’s what I liked about having a gf, finding someone that actually wanted to be with me. People don’t even really listen to me when I talk..kinda like.."yeah alright"..."ok"..."gotcha"...I have a few close friends who do, but overall not so much.

People used to make me happy, but that isn’t the case anymore. Usually they do quite the opposite and make me unhappy. People in general are really not good and it’s just idk..heck the world is insane is on a constant moral decline...heck 1 in 4 girls have an STD. Teens committing suicide, doing drugs, partying....guys raping women, girls cutting themselves, kids running away from home, girls in abusive relationships, teens in home with an abusive father....

Of course the world has always been full of these people..but look at the statistics...you can’t deny that they are getting worse and worse every year. We are getting unhealthier, busier, more sinful, and more immoral. The thing that gets me is...I don’t care enough to stand up and fight it. Do you?

People have gotten so laid back about these issues it’s sickening. I think the devil knows if he would let me loose I would do great things for the Lord..or better yet...the Lord would do great things through me. He has me...and the majority of the teen population tied down and so caught up in garbage...and warped our minds we don’t see what’s going on..more less try to stop it. People don’t know that each and every day there is a "culture war" going on.

Homosexuals trying to become pastors, extend their rights throughout America, the government stopping christian things on government property (like the 10 commandments).

SIN IS OUT OF CONTROL IN AMERICA AND WE SIT BACK AND DO NOTHING.

I’m off topic, but I’ll end it here. Think about what I said. Are we living the right way for Christ? Do we laugh at the dirty jokes? Do we tell them? Do we do drugs? Do we live like Jesus would? (Speaking to my guilty self too)

The most powerful thing in determining right or wrong is def. "WWJD".

Love you guys,
Buck.

Well good morning!!!

Gosh I’m out of it. I just woke up out of the blue here about 15 minutes ago (4:30am) from this extremely strange dream. I was at work (heavenly ham) and this lady wanted me to make her 3 sandwiches. For the life of me I could not make these sandwiches and nobody else would help me out, like they were all busy or something. This lady became more and more impatient until I guess forever later, I finished. I woke up and just felt really weird...trying to make sense of it I guess.

I though about going back to sleep and I might actually. Idk I felt like I should write something in here. I feel so strongly about a lot of things..and gosh I feel a huge novel of a blog coming on, lol. Also come to think of it..I really feel a lot more when it’s late at night/very early morning, so that’s the best time for me personally to blog.

Well here it goes.....

Yesterday I went to Wal-mart to pick up some stuff for my mom. Well I had stopped at BK right before that to get some food. Well I sat in the parking lot when I got to wal-mart and ate. Well when I started eating I noticed this girl about 20 yrs old or so. Well I didn’t think anything of her, just noticed her getting in her larger than life truck. Well she went to push her buggy back into those things out on the parking lot and I noticed she left her cans of Mt. Dew, lol. So I was like "hey you left your Mt. Dew cans on your buggy" she goes "oh gosh I did?" lol...so she runs back and gets em and then walks back and says "Thanks he would have Bi***ed" I laughed it off and said "wouldn’t want that" then she left.

I didn’t really realize the severity of what she had said until she had left. She said this guy, most likely her live-in bf would have gotten mad. Over what now? Forgetting the Mt. Dew. I know some of you are like..oh gosh Josh make it an issue...whew. Well it is. I mean the treatment of women is crazy! I’ve noticed it first-hand and you can’t say you haven’t either, especially if your a woman yourself. Women are not objects. Women are not slaves. Women should be treated as equals. I’m tired of seeing girls thinking they have to have sex just so their bf’s won’t "get mad" or just so they’ll love them. That’s pure insanity...no it’s pure manipulation. Women don’t need to be slapped on the butt either. Women don’t need to be lusted after.

That last one I’m guilty of (I’m sure you caught me on that right away) and I believe is a 2-way street too. Because girls share the responsibility of wearing appropriate stuff too. But I mean back to the butt slapping issue. How many times have you seen this going on? I’ve seen it tons! I wouldn’t dare do this, but guys see it as well I can do whatever I want b/c I’m a guy and she’s hot so I can do it. Actually it’s called sexual harassment. Girls, that attention is the wrong kind of attention..duh? It’s sexual harassment, that guy is gonna use you to fulfill his own lust, so stop it before it becomes a habit, cause it will!

I mean where are all the Godly men? I’m not saying every guy has gone to pot, cause I know that’s irrational and stupid, but seriously what has happened to the overall population? We have to stand up for what we believe in and stop being so "tolerant!!" The same goes for me too, just remember I’m always including myself too. Yeah tolerance is a joke. Did Jesus tolerate gays? liars? prostitutes? thieves? Absolutely not. I have no idea where people get the idea that God does. They give the excuse "God understands" yeah he understands that your deceiving yourself into believing what your doing is ok when it’s not. When God says their is a part in the lake of fire for like homosexuals, thieves, liars, etc...I don’t really take that lightly. Aka: Sin is sin. God forgave/forgives sin, never accepted/accepts it.

I know I have a problem. Believe me it kills me sometimes and I wonder where God is in all this. I wonder why I can’t just stop. I wonder why I have heart issues. I wonder why God puts me through all this. I wonder if when I die where I’m going. I’m not saying this out of the need to receive pity, it’s just true. I’m not doing real good at all. I need to take a stand and each and every time I get the chance I fail. I don’t blame God at all, although I would like some answers. I know when we go through hard junk that later on we can help people out with it. Like with my relationships I know have tons more of experience to help other people out with. I know it says no man is good. I know I have to put it in God’s hands. I know I can’t do it alone. I know all those things, but it’s just not happening. Will I lose the faith? I sure hope not. Cause if I do...I do believe tons will fall as soon as I do.

I’m not saying I’m anything great, but I know people look up to me and I find that humbling. Especially when I know how I am and what I do. Gosh I know I can resist doing drugs and fight hard against not having sex and stand up for what I believe in, but I fail. Yes I know everyone does, but I feel like I’m not worthy of much. It does make me go crazy just thinking about how Jesus went to the cross for someone like me. He died knowing I would screw up day in and day out. He was the only answer to my problem. Kinda like the x-factor ( Sins of the world + X = A way out) Jesus is the answer, lol. Yeah I like that. (What do you have to add to the sins of the world to give you a way out? Jesus=x, lol)

Anyways, so many things are tearing us from God and the greatest gift he’s ever given to the world, Jesus. I know personally I would rather talk on AIM or Myspace than read the Bible. It’s just honest truth, didn’t say it was positive. We let society norms, our friends, activities, all keep us from God. When we do start on the right track preachers on TV throw some off. Call in and donate to receive a blessing. What a joke!! I saw it on TV yesterday I was outraged. That’s not the gospel that’s "antichrist" another form of God. (not THE antichrist, btw) Something has to change with everything or we will just continue to fall down the pit of despair. One thing I’ve learned though. A girl or guy cannot provide what you need 100%, only God can. Get right with God before dating even comes in the picture.

You know why you feel like you have to break up and ultimately do? Because they can’t supply you with feeling good about yourself, they can’t provide you with peace of mind. That’s not what a partner does and it just can’t be their responsibility. If you don’t have the "MAN-GOD-WOMAN" bond, then you have nothing. If God’s not in b/w then you have a wavy line b/w the two. "MAN~~WOMAN" aka: not stable.

Another thing...this whole political race is getting crazy. Stop voting for Obama cause he’s black, stop voting Hilary cause she’s a woman and stop voting McCain cause he was a POW. That junk doesn’t matter. You had better look at their policies. Obama is scary look on his website. He’s a christian? Well that’s disputed but what I did find (on his website) was that his church was the first to ordain a homosexual pastor..hmm..church+Gay pastor=not on track? So if Obama is ok with this then obviously why he be in different in office? Exactly he wouldn’t. That and he’s pro-choice to even PARTIAL BIRTH!! whew. Clinton is just about the same in everything. Plus they don’t want to build the fence on the border, just one w/ cameras and junk. McCain I guess I’m voting for him cause he actually cares about marriage and abortions.  How can we as Christians vote for a candidate that believes in abortion? Ohhhhh you know why? Cause we see it as ok don’t we? Oh yeah I caught you on that.

So we do what we’ve always been taught the opposite to? Two wrongs don’t make a right? Apparently so. I’m not saying it’s a simple "ok keep the baby" situation. I’ve never been in it either ok? But I know killing no matter how well formed the baby is wrong. Ten commandments ring a bell? Thou Shall Not Kill? Anyways. Look at the candidates stances on issues not their outward appearance. Also don’t mind party lines, that’s the dumbest thing ever. I’m republican so the only good ones are republicans...that’s dumb. Vote for the most Godly man/woman.

If we are supposed to be the hands and feet of God then obviously we are doing a terrible job. We accept gays, accept abortions, accept any kind of preachers, accept the prosperity gospel, accept slams on Godly principals everywhere, accept marriage b/w anyone. Why are we so tolerant? Are we afraid of being called different? I mean it does say, "Now in fact all who want to live godly lives in Christ Jesus will be persecuted." Shocker? not really. We cannot and should not support these actions. You know why it sickens people? Whoa..maybe cause it’s wrong? You know what kills me? The excuse people give. "Oh well if they want to do it go ahead it doesn’t affect me."

What if I said..well I know your son or daughter has been cutting themselves and are very suicidal. Would you care? Well I would sure hope so. You care about your own but not strangers? Didn’t Jesus help the demon possessed, the sick, etc etc?....yes. Are we our brothers keeper? Absolutely. We are all humans so we should take care of each other. Everything in way or another affects us. Why can’t you take a stand on the issue? Gay marriage is wrong. There see I did it, lol. It does bother me, it does affect me! God hates sin, we are supposed to be like God (aka: Christian "Christ-like") so we hate what God hates.

Well another thing I don’t hate gay people, I don’t hate people that are pro-choice. I strongly disagree with them, but I don’t, and you shouldn’t, hate them. Just read what’s in the Bible, God is love but like any good father He punishes his children, if not he wouldn’t be a good father. ie: would he want us to all turn out like the "princesses" on Sweet-16...what a joke. We don’t enjoy what God has given us. I know I don’t. But I have figured out one important thing already, that some people take a lifetime to figure out or sometimes never figure out, "Money doesn’t buy happiness"

Seriously though the next time you come in contact with someone really see what’s going on. This world is not doing good. People are not doing good. Calm before the storm? Maybe. Jesus died for our sins. Not an ouch that hurts---dead. Kinda ordeal...he suffered for days, got thrown around, spit on, beaten, whipped, slapped, punched, flogged, had 3 nails drove straight through his hands and feet......he was barely alive, yet the two things he said----"Forgive Them" & "It is Finished"   What would we do? Probably fight. He knew what he had to do. If he didn’t do this all mankind would basically be doomed and have no one to turn to in the troubling times. Watch Passion of the Christ if you haven’t already seen it. It doesn’t even come close to the torture, but it’s powerful nonetheless.

Closing~~~

Something has to change. Guys can’t change us. Girls can’t change us. Only God can change us. Introspect yourself if you don’t see any obvious sin or ask God to reveal the secrets of your heart to you, He will. Don’t lie to yourself, God shows us what is sin and what isn’t in the Bible. Stand up for what is right. Don’t back down. Even though people might not see what your doing God always does. Be strong.

I love you guys and gals!
If you need anything just message/comment!

+Ideas for blog topics would be cool!
+Ideas for font color, lol
+Still wanting people to go to Winterjam ’08 in Huntington on Thurs with!

..oh and really GOOD MORNING this time, lol!!!

((Josh Bucklen))

Well very few people  know that I was in the ER yesterday evening till this afternoon. I was actually working last night...and i was actually sitting down and long story short: I felt my heart go irregular again and it was going fast. I finally got someone to cover for me then my step-dad Rick picked me up and took me to the hospital.

Mom hooked me up on her floor and found out I was def. going irregular again HB: 150. They threw up "A-fib" (which reminder: I had the mini-maze 3/9/07. To take care of that). Then they also said "A-flutter" (which I haven't had anything for).

So basically after pumping some interesting junk into me, having an amazing cardiologist (not joking), and after sleeping some, I actually converted into a regular rhythm. My mom was totally amazing throughout it all, w/o her we obviously would have not gotten anywhere considering she was the one that point out to the ER nurse that I was actually in "flutter" and not "getting better" Yeah talk about crazy. Another thing the doctors read what the EKG tells them and obviously it's not always the case; ie: my cases.

But anyways...I knew God was in control. I asked Him to take care of me and of course He supplied all my needs. I love Him and I love Him for sending me an amazing mom who knows more, literally, that 3/4 of the hospital staff.

Other than that not much has been up, this has been the most exciting thing for quite a while. OH YEAH...i forgot to mention a big part of this..hah. Mom has really strongly suggested that I get this EP study and no one would listen to her..they kept blowing us off basically and told us to be happy as is. My mom and I def. weren't b/c I was still having pain and it wasn't going away. (fyi: when I feel pain and when I felt irregular (last night) is not the same thing) Well we went to my family Dr. she said it didn't sound cardiac at all and she gave me some meds for what mom called "excess gas." lol.

So what do you think they suggested after I just went through this last night and today? An EP Study no less...hah.. Talk about God answering a prayer..lol. Awesome. So anyone wondering what the heck is an EP study? A-fib? A-flutter? WHAT?? lol...well just type it in on Google...it's really actually awesome to tell you the truth.  But short and simple an EP Study (like a heart cath, most people know what that is) will insert about 5 small wires at the groin. (I have had this done before fyi) I'm woozy during all of this and can actually watch it being done, lol.

Anyways, before I bore you anymore with my crazy, new medical problems. Just realize God's in control and I'll be fine. Thanks!!

Buck.

Future wife, where are you? I really need you right now to comfort me. Even though I may not know you now I miss you terribly. I look forward to all the fun things we will do and the memories and laughter we will share together. I do have the greatest feeling that you will be quite amazing considering I've struggled looking for you. I hope your not struggling as bad as me.

I wish you would be more noticeable so I could find you and stop the search of despair and loneliness in looking for you for a very long time. Where are you hiding oh beautiful one? I need you badly. I want to hold you in my arms to let you know everything will be ok, and in doing so, I know everything will be right in mine. Don't hide any longer, please make yourself known.

I need you. I hope you need me too I love you lady of my dreams

Buck.

Talk about spinning around. My last blog was all about how happy and jolly I was after losing Sara...well I'm an idiot. I really think I'm going crazy right now. I'm throwing my own little pitty-party in a way. I'm sick of life treating me like crap..but I deserve it for how much I put in...psh..none?

I really have no faith in myself more less God. No girl will fill the void in my heart. Sara didn't now another one won't. Useless "toys" won't entertain me long enough or make me forget long enough that I have majorly screwed up and that I refuse help. I sound like a person ready to commit suicide. I'm not stupid. I'm just hurting I guess. I just got finished talking to Sara and I can't even talk to her anymore. I just honestly flip out. I don't really want to get mad, but I do..and I don't even know what I'm feeling.

I want her back, but at the same time I really really don't. Normalcy has been lost and that's what is driving me crazy. I guess I was so used to the fact that I was "in love" that when it just ended it torn me into a million pieces. I haven't ever completely relied on God for much of anything. I'm so blessed to even be living right now after all the craziness that has went on in my life. I'm repaying God well huh? I can't fix my own problems. I sure can give out advice, but taking some..hah. It's not advice I need though, I need to do some actions that would change me for the better.

I hate how I'm living, I hate how the world is living, I can't let God work through me if I'm not where I need to be. Yeah that's right I'm not doing too good on my addiction...it's off and on. I seem to be more tempted when I'm alone or late-late @ night...Someone knows when I'm weak...DEVIL I HATE YOU!!! YOU MAKE ME SICK.. Broken. That describes me.

I need love. I need God. I need...it.

I long for you God...but I have too much junk in my life..break the chains that keep me from you. HELP! ='(

Buck.

Well hello once again...how is everyone? Well I am doing pretty darn good...considering the so-called "slump" I have been going through. God has really done something and really given me much more than I could have asked for. I really appreciate my mom a lot for talking to me today about how she went through hard times and it really encouraged me to stop being so hurt and torn up about Sara. I mean yes Sara was fun and I loved her...but heck I have to move on..dang I can't sit around and go "God would you like us to get back together?" and waller around yah know?

Shesh I have to live my life. lol. Like I was saying, my mom and I just really talked about how a breakup isn't the end of the world and the person that you thought was going to be "the one" doesn't always turn out to be that person. So I mean I know God answered my prayer by bringing my mom to talk to me. =) I love her..lol. She has her times yah know..Good ol' mom..hah..anyways..

I have class tonight..blah. no fun there. Well I haven't been up to much really trying to do better with God, it's a slow process..but I'm finally taking some actions..only through Him. Believe me I am not bragging. I hope none of you ever think I am. Because everything I do is through the strength of God.

Well school and work have basically been the only things I have been doing. I fasted and like I said got some answers that I needed. PS: Thanks God..lol. Uh..I bought some games online from walmart.com from the gift-cards I got from Christmas. I also bought a new digi cam..haven't really tried it out too much yet, I still need a SD card. Oh and I bought a book entitled:
"Men Are Like Waffles--Women Are Like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differences"
----I think it sounds good and I can't wait to read it.

But anyways, keep me in your prayers guys...that God will really speak to me and through living my life like He wants me to, guide me.

Love you all,
BUCK!!

Well. Hi.

My life is just nothing at the moment. I've discovered everything revolved around Sara..stupidly and now since we broke up, it's been hard.

Let me start off by saying a few things. 1. I'm not mad at Sara. 2. I'm not doing this to get back at her 3.Don't say anything about her either. Thanks..lol

Really the reason I am writing this is to honestly vent I suppose. I always put off doing these things anymore, but really they would honestly help me if I posted more often. Well the reason Sara and I broke up was due to not being in the right place we need to be with God. That's obvious because like I said..everything revolved around her, and it shouldn't have been like that. I do miss her. I decided to really cut back a lot on the talking so we could achieve this goal, and well right now I just honestly don't know if we are even gonna get back together.

On the flip-side, I've failed miserably with my addiction and I know how to deal with it too and I simply don't. All I have to do is grow in the Lord by praying and reading the Bible, and I can't even do that. It's kinda scary when you think about it. I feel like I have no life. Not being negative just being honest. I need something tangible to hold on to aka "Sara".

But I do realize the whole point of us breaking up it makes absolute sense, it's just that I know I'm not getting anywhere; I'm to blame, no one else. I miss feeling good. =/ I'm getting ready to go for my second semester in college starting Thurs..whoopee..not..lol. I have no energy. Weather that's due to my medicine or just lack of God I really don't know. But 1 thing I do know is if I don't get closer to God soon I'm gonna end up going down the wrong path and screwing up my entire life..=/.

I've had so many thoughts going on in my mind about me and Sara too..weather we are gonna get back together..if we didn't who in the world would I be with...who would she be with...the list goes on..I'm really trying not to think about though..cause that will drive a person insane honestly. And right now I'm not sitting here crying my eyes out and feeling so alone and stuff...I just don't feel happy. It doesn't mean I'm clinically depressed..I'm just numb; yeah that's a good word..numb.

On a side-note I went to the doctor who performed my Open-Heart back in March, cause I was having chest pain and stuff, and well he basically said he had no idea what it was, and that he recommended a chest x-ray and that was all..So basically I went to Cinci for nothing, blah.

Well just keep me in your prayers and ask God to give me guidance in knowing what in the world I should do. I would really appreciate that a lot...Thanks.

Buck =)

Well hi,

     I'm just not doing good anymore....it's all an roller coaster type of life for me. I've been addiction-free (so-to-speak) for like 4 weeks now. Def. through God's help...I thought it would make my life like 10x's more joyful, but it really hasn't. I just don't feel like life is fun. All I'm doing is hurting those around me and myself. Like today for instance, Sara's youth group was coming in to go ice skating. Long story short I got up there and I just wasn't happy. It's making me really upset...it's like I can't have fun with Sara anymore. I just can't explain it. Sara's always asking me what's wrong...and well I don't know. I know she's going to read this, so in a way I'm talking to her as well as all of you all.

     This sure isn't a pity party, but I'm just so confused. No, I haven't been reading the Bible or spending time with God, and I realize I need to do that. It's one step at a time I guess...I just want everything to be normal. It's like I try my hardest to be good and as God would want me to live, but there's no joy. I could easily get like false joy. What my flesh would like me to do...going back into my garbage. But I know I don't want to do that...and I don't plan on it..but I just want to have fun with Sara. I want us to grow in God together and just honestly spend the rest of our lives together. I know I hurt her a lot and I'm not a good bf a lot of the time contrary to what most of you would think I would be. No I don't abuse her or anything crazy like that..but I'm just not polite a lot of time. I would call this a void in my life.

     I've even taken into account the medicine I'm on for controlling my heart rate and stuff...cause I also don't really sleep well. I mean I don't wake up in the middle of the night or anything..but I just wake up and I don't feel rested. So whatever it is...it's really messing me up, and BAD. It's like I have tons of things I need to do, but don't do them. I want to hang out with my friends, but I don't plan anything. I just really need prayer right now. All I need is joy in my life. Heck I realize what God has done for me...given me freedom from my 7-year bondage to pornography..and it's great. Like when I was at church last night..worship was exactly what I needed, I felt his presence strongly. I'm not happy. Well let me say this..I'm really happy when other people are around me...like my best friends, or used to be Sara...see..I hate even saying that. I should have the time of my life when I'm with Sara, but I don't.

     I want nothing more than to make Sara happy. I believe we have a good relationship. I mean yes we have troubles, but every relationship will have them, but you have to work through them. I mean people tell me and also Sara, that we are the perfect couple. Believe me we are perfect by no means. I mean all we do is fight..lol. And I don't want this to let you think that "Oh gosh...they're gonna break up now" lol...hardly. I know Sara and I are really good for each other. It's just like I'm saying though..something is really affecting me and causing me to have lost my joy. I can't believe I haven't blogged in so long, it's been since Nov. 10th..that was forever ago. I just never felt like I could sit here and write I guess. I hate the monotonous feeling of life. It went school, work, Sara. I guess eventually I got tired of all 3.

     I really don't know how Sara is gonna feel about me talking about all this, but I guess it really doesn't matter. I mean..hah..I don't know what I ever mean. I say one thing, do another. I do things I never thought I would do. Sin takes you and keeps you farther and longer than you ever want. But as of now...it's not really sin that's making me feel this way. Bringing me to my next thing, grudges. I've realized I have a grudge against my dad I think. I don't know who of you have read that story I wrote about 5 or so blogs down, but I talked in there about how my dad was abusive to my mom when they were married, etc etc. Now he's living with this woman who he's getting married to in the Spring. I don't approve of him living with her..and it's just become this huge issue with me. I don't think I've forgiven him for what he's done to my mom and ultimately me, leaving me with the "perfect" example of how a father should be...hah..hardly.

     My career has been troubling me. I think I've officially decided to become a Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist (CRNA) I go to school 4-yrs get my BSN, then work 1 year ICU or CCU, then go 2.5 years to the CRNA thing then become a CRNA. They basically are anesthesiologists, because there is a shortage of them so they let CRNA's do the work. I couldn't decide whether to get my 2-year AAS then my 4-yr later, or just get my 4 year now. See State only has the 2-yr program and Marshall is the closest thing to home. So I've decided to do the 2-yr as of now.

     I just don't know guys. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I'm just sad. I want things to be better of course, but I won't take the actions needed. I just want Sara to be happy with me, and it's not like that anymore. It's me doing something wrong so many times. We get into so many dumb arguments. It just really hurts, a lot! It's like I can't stop myself from being rude and mean. I feel like I could ramble on forever, but I just don't want to. I guess my new trouble is looking at normal girls on myspace. It's like yeah I've gotten away at looking at porn stars, but when it comes to regular girls, I lust just as much. I'm doing a lot better, but it's def. not a good thing that I do that. Well I guess I should talk about what's been going on with me.

     I ended up getting a 3.0 this semester at college. Pretty sucky in my opinion, I know I could have done much better, but I'm gonna do better this coming semester. Nursing classes are gonna be a drag..lol. Uh Sara and I had our 1-year anniversary. Let me tell you all about it. Well I had planned on making 365 sticky notes of why I loved Sara. I knew it was going to take a lot of work, but I knew it would be worth it more than anything in the world just to see Sara's face. Well it came down to the night before I was going up to Sara's. I had really not even gotten all my 365 things typed out. Finally after much help from a lot of my friends. I finally finished. I asked Curtis to help me and we stayed up all the way till like 7:00 I think it was writing them all down. See I had to be at work at 8am. I think I got about 30 minutes sleep and this was the big thanksgiving rush @ heavenly ham too..so fun there. I went to Wal-mart before I got to work and bought some roses and then went to work. I left @ 4pm and went and got some heart shaped balloons. I started driving up there and heck I got tired..keep in mind (30 minutes sleep). So yeah it was really dangerous for me to even go up there...well on the way up i think it was close to 5pm, which I told Sara to call to see if she was ready. I told her, when she called, that I wouldn't be able to make it because I had to stay over at work because a girl got sick...etc etc. Well I could tell she was really upset, but I said sorry and that I had to go. I got to her house..(she was out shopping btw, and her mom was in on this too) and I parked at a neighbor's. I went in with my all my stuff and started to put up all the sticky notes..which actually took longer than I thought...I put them in drawers, clothes, on the wall, just everywhere.

     I heard her and her mom coming in the drive-way. I ran downstairs and hid in this back room. I got so nervous I felt like a robber or something. I heard her go up her stairs...then all of a sudden in this high pitched voice I hear, "omgsh omgsh...mom...mom...come look at this...wait..did you" lol...and then her mom was like.."what honey..what is it?" I popped my head out to say hi to Elly (Sara's mom) and Sara was like "did you put all this stuff up in my room?" Her mom walked up the stairs...then Sara was like "wait..where is he?? Where is he??" I snuck up the stairs and when she saw me she gave me the biggest hug ever. The look on her face was priceless. She just couldn't believe I had done that.

     It was also funny when her mom told me that she had gotten mad at the girl that had called off sick and all this stuff..and said she was so sad on the way home..lol...that's my Sara =) Well see I'm kinda happy now...but that's just like I said..a roller coaster...makes no sense. Anyways..I have been working a lot more now...trying to get a lot of hours in...been up to see Sara a few times, school's out till the 17th, uh took that cool pic which is my default, went to a graduate dinner @ NHS, (that was fun!)...oh yeah and Christmas..I got some neat stuff..a GPS system, some clothes, gift cards, cologne, and Ipod thing for the car, clocks, etc.  I got Sara some jewelery, a $15 Starbucks gift card, and I brought her a dozen roses. She got me the fancy shirt in my default, and some AE cologne.

     Well I guess I typed that blog pretty fast. Just leave me some comments...tell me something..show me you guys are alive..that would very nice. Plus don't forget to comment my new pic. Thanks. Keep me in your prayers.

Bye guys...and yeah and Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone.

Buck.

     Well crap. Well this is my 2nd run through..lol. Awesome download of the yahoo toolbar made me have to start over. So anyways…

     How is everyone??!?! Lol. Well I'm doing alright. I can't really say I have been doing "so many new things" or anything, but I mean heck School and Work is hard enough to keep track of. Then you have to think of Sara and God, which brings me to what I'm gonna talk about. I keep putting God on the back burner so-to-speak. He is supposed to our bff and what do we do? Never talk to Him, but when we need Him. If we did that with our friends, heck, they would tell us off in a minute. Where have you been?…Why haven't you called?…lol. that might even sound familiar with a boyfriend or a girlfriend. 

     What I'm trying to get at is, we have to bff's with God. It can't just be this simple "Oh hey God…." And then move on kinda deal. We have to get serious. Something that Rick says (my step-dad) is "You can spend 2hrs on the phone with Sara and 15 min with God? Something doesn't sound right." It honestly shows where my heart is. I mean I love Sara, but who is first? Well in all honesty right now she is. I come on here to be honest, and I really hope everyone knows that. I'm not here to have a pity party or to get sympathy, but I mean I'm on here to relieve some inner pressure and most importantly spread the "good" news and help any person I possibly can. Also when I say these things…they def. include me too. I'm not preaching at you, I'm really preaching to myself and to see if you guys feel the same.

     Well I guess my entry is gonna be a bit about just about everything btw. Me and Sara's 1-yr anniversary is coming up. I can't wait. I have surprises in store; well I will talk about them completely in detail after the 21^st, which is our 1-yr btw. Lol. Uh let's see…what have I been doing since my last update you might ask?

     Well gosh, stuff here and there…uh..going to see Sara, going to school, going to church, working, and uh..the usual I guess..but really now I am just starting to get more serious with God. I know it's not going to be easy and I'm def. not bragging, cause I know what's in store. The devil doesn't want me to have a closer walk with God, so he will throw out everything he has on me, and it's gonna get insane literally. It's gonna be like this little hump I'm going to have to overcome with God's help for sure. So it will be like my trial period per say to see how dedicated I am and after that little time, of course I'll be tempted, but at least I will be stronger and ready to fight it stronger and harder.

     I'll tell yah addictions are just no fun. It's like you want to quit deep down, but your flesh loves it! And I do love having that kind of feeling, but I know that interrupts the relationship b/w me and God, and it's obviously a huge sin, even though sin is sin…anyways…lol. I know I'm rambling on, but I really don't have a huge aim to this entry, it's just me really going on and on about how I'm feeling at the present time. I just ask for your prayers, I really need them. Oh yeah-another huge thing I have come to find out is that we can't feel guilty over our sins. Lol..don't get me wrong. YES you should feel bad that you screwed up, but I mean don't go on every day, after you've asked for forgiveness, all beaten up. It says "There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus…" and that Satan is the condemner of the brother. What that means is God doesn't want you to mope around after you messed up. You have to move on! That's a huge thing I've learned. If I mess up I ask for forgiveness and take him at his word when he says, "He is faithful and just to forgive."     

     Honestly if we do mope around and feel bad we are calling God a liar because we are saying "God I don't believe you've forgiven me" Don't get me wrong at all guys, believe me I have felt like crap before and really horrible and nasty. That's the thing though, we shouldn't after we've asked for forgiveness because are a new creation…we are wiped clean. It's hard to imagine in reality, but we are. We have to take God at His word and believe we are now forgiven and should move on. Now on the other hand don't take this and say well Josh said I can do whatever I want now and just not feel bad…heck no. I'm saying if you have a big problem with just about whatever, like my good friend Matt reminded me the other day, take it to God. He wants you to cast all your cares upon Him and also to make positive steps to help your problem. I'm simply saying if you sin, don't beat yourself up forever. Ask for forgiveness….HONESTLY MEAN IT TOO…and move on. 


     Think about this…I don't know if everyone knows this story in the bible but I'll give it a quick go-through. Jesus was teaching to a group of people when all of a sudden this mob of people brings this lady before Him and says Jesus what do with this lady we caught her basically messing around with another guy, being a prostitute. They all had stones in their hands and asked Jesus as to what they should do to the woman. They all obviously wanted to kill her by stoning. He replied after a bit and said, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." Surprisingly enough everyone walked away. He bent down to talk to her and picked her up and told her to "Go and sin no more." He had forgiven that lady. Adultery/prostitution is just as sinful now, after Jesus forgave the woman of it, as it was before He forgave her. He will forgive us all our sins -- past, present, future -- if we are humble enough to ask believing. But He will not excuse any sin. All behavior that is sinful before forgiveness is still sinful after. More intolerance. And righteously so.

     Now that I'm on the subject, I've seen people that call themselves Christians but everyone knows they definitely aren't. Also that "do not judge lest ye be judged" well honestly that is referring to judging unfairly, like not looking at yourself first before going out talking crap. But hey, I have admitted my sins, openly to, not saying that's better, but I'm saying that in a way gives me a right to "judge" in a way, but not to criticize. And if you want a scriptural backup to that I'm pretty sure it was John who said, "A righteous man judges all things" What does that tell you? John walked with God; he knew what was going on. Why would he say that? Because he didn't want people to become accepting and "tolerant" to everything that came along just to fit in. If we call ourselves Christians, by God we better act and live like it. How dare you call yourself a Christian if your gonna go out and party and get drunk and have sex and whatever your flesh likes. That's called living in the flesh, not following after God. Believe me though, I can understand if you started smoking or something..like drug use and you can't quit and you're trying to overcome something, that's entirely different. But when you think you can just apply the title "Christian" to yourself because you believe in God, you're a joke and you're living in one.

     Being a Christian is so much more than just believing in God. It says in the word, "even the devil believes in the word and trembles" Is he a Christian? No. Exactly. So how could we call ourselves Christians for just believing? I mean come on, call wrong, wrong people. We have to be "doers" of the word not just hearers. If you want to be called a Christian, then live it 24/7 not just when you're at church or just at home. God sees you even if your Christian buddies or parents don't. I'm sick of people that call themselves Christians and don't live it. Why even? Yah know? And for those who think "Oh I'm a good person God knows" hah..lol…who are you kidding? I could give a million dollars to feed the children, feed kids in Africa, and just give all my time to helping others, but you know what…I would still go to Hell. OMGSH did he just say I would go to hell? Lol..yeah I sure did. It doesn't matter how "good" you are. Shesh I mean in the word it says that "no man is good" A good book for you to read would be Revelation.

(Matthew 7:21-22)
"Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?'"

     Yeah so it's saying Look you may do a million good things but if I'm not involved in them your wasting your time. So next time you think you're a good person think again. "There is no man good." Think about it.

     WE ARE NOT GOOD. Powerful stuff. No matter how good the world makes you believe you are. We aren't. That doesn't mean we stupid and worthless by any means. Because we created in the image of God to worship and please Him. But I mean we are all sinners is what I mean.

     I think my rant may be over…but I mean time is short people. Something real quick that my youth leader and me found out. I found out that the 7 in the bible means "Completion" and she found out the 8 means "New Beginnings." 2007? 2008? Yeah…interesting =) that's just something really cool I thought I would share. Continuing on…we have to get serious for God. We don't have forever to live and Heaven and Hell hang in the balance. I care about you guys and gals. I love you all honestly. I love helping people and talking to them when they have issues and want to come to me. It makes me thank God that I have the ability to give advice and to know what to do in a lot of situations. Well anyways…

     I am going to Sara's tomorrow to spend the whole day with her. Going to church with her and probably to her brother's house. Who knows, it'll be great to see her again. I miss her. It's hard to have a long-distance relationship and it def. puts strains on you for sure and also requires mucho dedication..

     As for today…I have no idea what the heck I'm going to do..probably something with mom or something..idk. I honestly haven't even asked mom if I can go tomorrow, but it'll all work out…I better run and get ready just in case. Love you guys and gals mucho!!

Bye for now,

Josh Bucklen.

Well hello everyone!!! Gosh sorry about not writing on here..I keep noticing people looking at my blogs..and well I'm assuming people are looking for a new one or are enjoying my old ones..lol. So I have been up to a lot lately. I'm gonna just shortly recap.

I have been so busy with school, Sara, and my newly acquired job @ Heavenly Ham..you guys should visit me...it's gets boring sometimes..lol. Well it's a good job..plus they are still hiring. $6.75 an hr. ANYONE WANNA WORK WITH ME?? lol..apply and I'll put in a good word for yah..heck might as well. Anyways..

School has been a pain..mainly due to biology..it's just insane..and now my English teacher..i got an 86% on my essay. I mean I'm a good writer..lol..I mean if you haven't seen that story I wrote check that out on here. That's pretty good..I mean at least that's what I've been told....moving right along..I really don't know what to talk about. Sara is supposed to call me here soon when she gets back from church..now I'm just listening to music. blah...I'm so bored and lazy anymore..lol. I miss people from Nitro, no lie. I just miss people honestly. I miss my gf =(. It's hard not seeing her as often as most couples see each other.

As for the God situation, well...I'm having to fight still. Definitely keep me in your prayers. I want to be really close to God, but everything is coming against me. Mostly myself. Well, I guess I better run. I just thought I would update everyone on how I was doing. Yes, indeed I am still alive, just very busy; that's all. Someone IM me sometime, i get bored a lot. Heck message me..I don't care. something..

Oh and btw...if you have a blog that you want me to read...message me about it..and I will read it..plus leave comments..then u can read mine too...anyways..

...and also...I went back to the cardiologist..said to keep doing what I'm doing and if I have any more problemscome in and if not I'm going back in March. =)

Love yah guys!!

Buck

[Sara makes me =) ]

Another week...another week...goodness...it's crazy how fast the weeks are going by now. No clue why though. Well I actually survived the trip up to Parkersburg..lol..no problems. Sara and I had a really fun time bowling and going out to eat..and a bunch of other stuff in between. It was our first real "date" and we had a great time together. The next day though..I got to say till Sun night. Her church was having a youth thing and Pastor Chet and his wife Susana were coming in.

They are some cool people. I really enjoyed that and then afterwards we had pizza and some junk food which was really good then I had to say my goodbyes =( and leave. Made my way home and got there about 10:30pm i think it was and jumped on here waiting for Sara, but it took her a while..lol. Having a foggy memory of what happened..but then eventually mom and Rick got home from church and asked me if I had a good time..stuff like that...told em everything went well.

This whole past week I doubt there was anything too interesting to mention really. I went to school..nothing new..and then this past weekend I have just been fooling around..needing to really do some hw which I am going to do today. Well also we had a cookout yesterday for Labor Day..which was really good...def. gonna eat some here soon. .

Sara and I are doing really good. If that was on ur mind then I just answered it..hah. But we are growing in our relationship with ourselves and it's going really well. Trial and error. It's the only way to cultivate a relationship. I'm trying to do better with my relationship with God as well. I'm just being def. not bragging by any means. It's a struggle I'll tell yah. I honestly need prayer. I am striving, but I know that as soon as I post this I will be attacked that much harder so I will look like a failure to myself and everyone else. My addiction battle is ongoing as well. I've just recently started fighting against it really hard. ..and well it's fighting me back!

But here is a verse I found while reading something...concerning those people who think I should just never tell anyone I have/had problems and keep em under raps..

Proverbs 28:13
13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, 
     but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

It's a great verse. I am really running out of things to say..wow..imagine that..lol. Oh well here is something last night I stayed up pretty late (3:30am) after I got off the phone with Sara (12:45am) and I have had an old computer that just messed up and so I have been meaning to take the parts out and put it in my computer I use now. Well i did that last night and it was pretty awesome. Installed the old DVD drive into my new one..and my old RAM...it was neat..lol

Anyways...I won't hold any more of your time. Love you guys!!

Buck.

I <3 Sara.

PS~~It will be 6 months since my surgery on the 9th. God is good. =)