Current mood:

uncomfortable

Idk Anymore..
 Well hi,

     I'm just not doing good anymore....it's all an roller coaster type of life for me. I've been addiction-free (so-to-speak) for like 4 weeks now. Def. through God's help...I thought it would make my life like 10x's more joyful, but it really hasn't. I just don't feel like life is fun. All I'm doing is hurting those around me and myself. Like today for instance, Sara's youth group was coming in to go ice skating. Long story short I got up there and I just wasn't happy. It's making me really upset...it's like I can't have fun with Sara anymore. I just can't explain it. Sara's always asking me what's wrong...and well I don't know. I know she's going to read this, so in a way I'm talking to her as well as all of you all.

     This sure isn't a pity party, but I'm just so confused. No, I haven't been reading the Bible or spending time with God, and I realize I need to do that. It's one step at a time I guess...I just want everything to be normal. It's like I try my hardest to be good and as God would want me to live, but there's no joy. I could easily get like false joy. What my flesh would like me to do...going back into my garbage. But I know I don't want to do that...and I don't plan on it..but I just want to have fun with Sara. I want us to grow in God together and just honestly spend the rest of our lives together. I know I hurt her a lot and I'm not a good bf a lot of the time contrary to what most of you would think I would be. No I don't abuse her or anything crazy like that..but I'm just not polite a lot of time. I would call this a void in my life.

     I've even taken into account the medicine I'm on for controlling my heart rate and stuff...cause I also don't really sleep well. I mean I don't wake up in the middle of the night or anything..but I just wake up and I don't feel rested. So whatever it is...it's really messing me up, and BAD. It's like I have tons of things I need to do, but don't do them. I want to hang out with my friends, but I don't plan anything. I just really need prayer right now. All I need is joy in my life. Heck I realize what God has done for me...given me freedom from my 7-year bondage to pornography..and it's great. Like when I was at church last night..worship was exactly what I needed, I felt his presence strongly. I'm not happy. Well let me say this..I'm really happy when other people are around me...like my best friends, or used to be Sara...see..I hate even saying that. I should have the time of my life when I'm with Sara, but I don't.

     I want nothing more than to make Sara happy. I believe we have a good relationship. I mean yes we have troubles, but every relationship will have them, but you have to work through them. I mean people tell me and also Sara, that we are the perfect couple. Believe me we are perfect by no means. I mean all we do is fight..lol. And I don't want this to let you think that "Oh gosh...they're gonna break up now" lol...hardly. I know Sara and I are really good for each other. It's just like I'm saying though..something is really affecting me and causing me to have lost my joy. I can't believe I haven't blogged in so long, it's been since Nov. 10th..that was forever ago. I just never felt like I could sit here and write I guess. I hate the monotonous feeling of life. It went school, work, Sara. I guess eventually I got tired of all 3.

     I really don't know how Sara is gonna feel about me talking about all this, but I guess it really doesn't matter. I mean..hah..I don't know what I ever mean. I say one thing, do another. I do things I never thought I would do. Sin takes you and keeps you farther and longer than you ever want. But as of now...it's not really sin that's making me feel this way. Bringing me to my next thing, grudges. I've realized I have a grudge against my dad I think. I don't know who of you have read that story I wrote about 5 or so blogs down, but I talked in there about how my dad was abusive to my mom when they were married, etc etc. Now he's living with this woman who he's getting married to in the Spring. I don't approve of him living with her..and it's just become this huge issue with me. I don't think I've forgiven him for what he's done to my mom and ultimately me, leaving me with the "perfect" example of how a father should be...hah..hardly.

     My career has been troubling me. I think I've officially decided to become a Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist (CRNA) I go to school 4-yrs get my BSN, then work 1 year ICU or CCU, then go 2.5 years to the CRNA thing then become a CRNA. They basically are anesthesiologists, because there is a shortage of them so they let CRNA's do the work. I couldn't decide whether to get my 2-year AAS then my 4-yr later, or just get my 4 year now. See State only has the 2-yr program and Marshall is the closest thing to home. So I've decided to do the 2-yr as of now.

     I just don't know guys. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I'm just sad. I want things to be better of course, but I won't take the actions needed. I just want Sara to be happy with me, and it's not like that anymore. It's me doing something wrong so many times. We get into so many dumb arguments. It just really hurts, a lot! It's like I can't stop myself from being rude and mean. I feel like I could ramble on forever, but I just don't want to. I guess my new trouble is looking at normal girls on myspace. It's like yeah I've gotten away at looking at porn stars, but when it comes to regular girls, I lust just as much. I'm doing a lot better, but it's def. not a good thing that I do that. Well I guess I should talk about what's been going on with me.

     I ended up getting a 3.0 this semester at college. Pretty sucky in my opinion, I know I could have done much better, but I'm gonna do better this coming semester. Nursing classes are gonna be a drag..lol. Uh Sara and I had our 1-year anniversary. Let me tell you all about it. Well I had planned on making 365 sticky notes of why I loved Sara. I knew it was going to take a lot of work, but I knew it would be worth it more than anything in the world just to see Sara's face. Well it came down to the night before I was going up to Sara's. I had really not even gotten all my 365 things typed out. Finally after much help from a lot of my friends. I finally finished. I asked Curtis to help me and we stayed up all the way till like 7:00 I think it was writing them all down. See I had to be at work at 8am. I think I got about 30 minutes sleep and this was the big thanksgiving rush @ heavenly ham too..so fun there. I went to Wal-mart before I got to work and bought some roses and then went to work. I left @ 4pm and went and got some heart shaped balloons. I started driving up there and heck I got tired..keep in mind (30 minutes sleep). So yeah it was really dangerous for me to even go up there...well on the way up i think it was close to 5pm, which I told Sara to call to see if she was ready. I told her, when she called, that I wouldn't be able to make it because I had to stay over at work because a girl got sick...etc etc. Well I could tell she was really upset, but I said sorry and that I had to go. I got to her house..(she was out shopping btw, and her mom was in on this too) and I parked at a neighbor's. I went in with my all my stuff and started to put up all the sticky notes..which actually took longer than I thought...I put them in drawers, clothes, on the wall, just everywhere.

     I heard her and her mom coming in the drive-way. I ran downstairs and hid in this back room. I got so nervous I felt like a robber or something. I heard her go up her stairs...then all of a sudden in this high pitched voice I hear, "omgsh omgsh...mom...mom...come look at this...wait..did you" lol...and then her mom was like.."what honey..what is it?" I popped my head out to say hi to Elly (Sara's mom) and Sara was like "did you put all this stuff up in my room?" Her mom walked up the stairs...then Sara was like "wait..where is he?? Where is he??" I snuck up the stairs and when she saw me she gave me the biggest hug ever. The look on her face was priceless. She just couldn't believe I had done that.

     It was also funny when her mom told me that she had gotten mad at the girl that had called off sick and all this stuff..and said she was so sad on the way home..lol...that's my Sara =) Well see I'm kinda happy now...but that's just like I said..a roller coaster...makes no sense. Anyways..I have been working a lot more now...trying to get a lot of hours in...been up to see Sara a few times, school's out till the 17th, uh took that cool pic which is my default, went to a graduate dinner @ NHS, (that was fun!)...oh yeah and Christmas..I got some neat stuff..a GPS system, some clothes, gift cards, cologne, and Ipod thing for the car, clocks, etc.  I got Sara some jewelery, a $15 Starbucks gift card, and I brought her a dozen roses. She got me the fancy shirt in my default, and some AE cologne.

     Well I guess I typed that blog pretty fast. Just leave me some comments...tell me something..show me you guys are alive..that would very nice. Plus don't forget to comment my new pic. Thanks. Keep me in your prayers.

Bye guys...and yeah and Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone.

Buck.