Current mood:

loney & confused

Lost.

Talk about spinning around. My last blog was all about how happy and jolly I was after losing Sara...well I'm an idiot. I really think I'm going crazy right now. I'm throwing my own little pitty-party in a way. I'm sick of life treating me like crap..but I deserve it for how much I put in...psh..none?

I really have no faith in myself more less God. No girl will fill the void in my heart. Sara didn't now another one won't. Useless "toys" won't entertain me long enough or make me forget long enough that I have majorly screwed up and that I refuse help. I sound like a person ready to commit suicide. I'm not stupid. I'm just hurting I guess. I just got finished talking to Sara and I can't even talk to her anymore. I just honestly flip out. I don't really want to get mad, but I do..and I don't even know what I'm feeling.

I want her back, but at the same time I really really don't. Normalcy has been lost and that's what is driving me crazy. I guess I was so used to the fact that I was "in love" that when it just ended it torn me into a million pieces. I haven't ever completely relied on God for much of anything. I'm so blessed to even be living right now after all the craziness that has went on in my life. I'm repaying God well huh? I can't fix my own problems. I sure can give out advice, but taking some..hah. It's not advice I need though, I need to do some actions that would change me for the better.

I hate how I'm living, I hate how the world is living, I can't let God work through me if I'm not where I need to be. Yeah that's right I'm not doing too good on my addiction...it's off and on. I seem to be more tempted when I'm alone or late-late @ night...Someone knows when I'm weak...DEVIL I HATE YOU!!! YOU MAKE ME SICK.. Broken. That describes me.

I need love. I need God. I need...it.

I long for you God...but I have too much junk in my life..break the chains that keep me from you. HELP! ='(

Buck.